Narrator: Here's a bit. It's about a good man, a man who was better than Christ and Moses: The Lone Ranger. The Lone Ranger was so good that he never waited for a "Thank You." He cleaned up the whole town for you and split --
Mask Man (in the background): Hi Ho, Silver!
Dominic: What's with that putz? The schmuck didn't wait! Mamma made coffee and cake and everything. What is the hell is with that guy? I got my hand out like some jackoff and he's already on his horse already!
Person 2: Yeah, yeah: "The Lone Ranger" -- so what the hell does that make him?
Dominic: What an asshole! Is he kidding, that guy? Schmuck! I'm standing there like this with the Mayor and a plaque and everything. . . . I'm going to punch the shit out of him if I ever see him again!
Person 1: Take it easy, Dominic. . . .
Dominic: Take it easy, my balls! Is that guy kidding me?
Person 2: Look, he's the Lone Ranger. He's a good-natured schmuck, he ain't got a quarter. [Pause.] You don't know about him? He's got a problem and goes to analysis. He can't accept love.
Dominic: Eh?
Person 2: We don't even need him any more. He comes around here -- we recognize the mask with snot all over it. It's disgusting! But he likes to go through it so we play it out for him, ya know. Here's his favorite bit.
Person 3: Hey you! What'd ya have a mask on for? Are you an outlaw?
Person 2: This makes him really crazy.
Mask Man: I'm an outlaw! I'm an outlaw! You should be an outlaw the way I am an outlaw!
Person 3: So why do you wear a mask?
Mask Man: Never mind! I'm an outlaw. Get away from me kids, I hurt people.
Person 2: Is that believable? "I'm an outlaw"?!
Mask Man (to himself): Get a kick in the ass for being nice to people?! I'm out for Number One from now on, brother. No one is going to shit on me. I'm out for Number One, boy; Number One is the one and then they get, later.
Person 4: Nice guy?! How come the asshole leaves bullets then?
Person 1: I don't know. That is kinda weird.
Person 4: Sure he's nice: the asshole leaves bullets for kids to fool around with!
Person 2: I told you what the innuedo is: Dr. Ehrlich the Magic Bullet.
Person 4: What's that?
Person 2: Syphillis.
Person 4: Eh?
Person 2: He's telling you in his own special way that the whole world has syphillis.
Person 1: Dr. Ehrlich the Magic Bullet! Of course.
Person 2: Why do you think he rides off with his mouth closed?
Mask Man (in background): Hmmm hmmmm hmm-hmmmm!
Person 4: Are you kidding with that?
Person 2: Of course, when he's outta audible range he's goes on and on about how he thinks he might of caughta dose.
Dominic: Oh, yeah? Well, I'm going to beat the shit outta him. Get the horses ready: I'm gonna punch them first.
Sound of horses.
Sheriff: Hold the fire on the North ridge! Hold it!
Dominic: OK, Mask Man: I'm gonna whup the shit outta you, buddy, right now.
Sheriff: Whew! God-damn, it took us about 15 minutes -- boy, you think you're pretty god-damn smart. You're hot shit, aintcha, buddy?
Dominic: Look at these kids here, they made cookies and wrote a song called "Thank You, Mask Man." There's your hero! The man too good to accept a "Thank You" from little children, little children in the crey-paper costumes. Right now, buddy, you're going to explain or I'm going to whup the hell outta you, you hear?
Mask Man: I'll explain if you get your god-damn hands offa me, you barbarian! You see, the reason I never wait for "Denk you" izzat I put two boys true college.
Sheriff: What's that?
Mask Man: Dot's right! I put two boys true college and I don' even get a "Denk you"!
Sheriff: A "Denk you"?! Oi veys mir! The Mask Man's a Jew!
Mask man: Of course, schmuck! Dot's why I never talk on the radio show -- all you ever heard me say on the radio show was "Hi Ho Silver!" -- dot's all! You see. . . . Some goyim are coming? Zugnish! Don't zay a void! . . . OK. You I tell. The reason I never wait for a thank you is that -- well, supposing that I did wait for a thank you. Just for a supposition.
Little boy or girl: Thank you, Mask Man.
Mask Man: What's that?
Little boy or girl: Thank you, Mask Man.
Mask Man: "Thank you, Mask Man"? Who the fuck said that?
Little boy or girl: I said it. Thank you, Mask Man.
Voices (in background): Help! Help! Mask man! Mask man!
Mask Man: Just a moment, getting a few thank-yous here.
Voices (in background): Mask man! Mask man! Help! Help!
Mask Man: Don't break my balls, now! I've done you people a whole lotta good and now I wanna get a few thank-yous in return.
Little boy or girl: Thank you, mask Man.
Mask Man: "Thank you, Mask Man." Is zis vot I've been running away from all deese years? What a god-damn fool I've been to run away from a sound like dis. It's beautiful! Let me hear it again!
Voices (in background): Help! Mask Man! Mask man! Help!
Mask Man: Not you, you miserable ingrates! I mean you, wit da babyface.
Little boy or girl: Thank you, mask Man.
Mask Man: "Thank you, Mask Man." Isn't that something? I'm going to get a "Thank you, Mask man" every god-damn day! I'll put 'em all down in a book: It'll say" Thank you, Mask Man." Do you think that I've always worked at this fucking hardware store? Hey, you see that? You see what it says right there?
Everybody: Thank you, Mask Man!
Mask Man: -- It's signed "People of Syosset, Long Island." Izzn't dot something? When I'm old, I can lean back on my book of "Thank You, Mask Man"s. Yes, it's true I can't ride anymore, but would you like to see a little something that I did? Look at that.
Woman formerly in distress: Thank you, mask Man.
Mask Man: Then one day, it's almost five o'clock. Where is the "Thank You Mask Man" Man? Has the "Thank You Mask man" Man been here today? You do have a "Thank You, Mask man" for me, don't you? I thought it would last forever. I've led a very flamboyant existence: I've pissed all my "Thank You's" away. You don't have have any, do you? Just gimme one, so I can make it to the next town. One "Thank You, Mask man"?
The Prophet (booming): There are no more "Thank You, Mask Man"s. The Messiah came during the night. All is pure. [Pause.] You're in the shithouse.
Mask man: The Messiah? But what has this to do with me?
The Prophet: Well, you see -- you are like men such as Jonas Salk, Lenny Bruce and J. Edgar Hoover. These men thrive upon the continuance of disease, segregation, and violence. The purity they do profess a need for, they just feed upon.
Mask Man: You mean?
The Prophet: Yes! Without polio, Salk is a putz.
Mask Man: Well, then, I'll make trouble. Because I'm geared for it. And I must have a "Thank you, Mask Man," at all costs. . . . You see, this way what I don't have, I don't miss -- that's why I always ride off without waiting for a thank you.
City official: God-damn it, Mask Man! Whoo-wee! You can sure talk your ass off! What the fuck you talkin' about? All this Commie horseshit: "Thank you, Mask Man." The kids fell asleep. Wilbur's got blue balls, he's got to get back to the base! He's got me dizzy with all that bullshit: "Thank you, Mask Man." Look, buddy, I'm here -- I'm working for the City, you know what I'm saying? I'm just here to take a photo with you for the Daily News, and then get the hell outta here. C'mon now, shape up and accept a present, and then we can haul ass.
Mask Man: A present? For the children? Alright I'll do it -- no ashtrays, though. . . . Gimme the Indian over there!
City official: Who, Tonto?
Mask Man: Yes, I want Tanta, or whatever the spic-half-bred's name is. I'll take him.
City official: Spic half-bred?! God-damn, you can't have Tonto.
Mask man: Bullshit! You made the deal, and that's what I want: I want Tanta the Indian!
City official: Look, buddy, his name ain't Tanta, its Tonto and you can't have Tonto.
Mask man: Bullshit! I want Tanta, I want Tanta the Indian!
City official: God-damn you, you hippy freak, I wanna tell you -- What the hell do you want Tonto for, anyway?
Mask Man: To perform an unnatural act.
City official: What?
Mask Man: You heard me: to perform an unnatural act.
City official: The Mask Man is a fag! God-damn! The Mask Man is a fag! The masked Fag Man! Oh, Lord! I'm getting dizzy. Don't look at him kids! The bad Fag Man. Oh! {Spluttering.] The Masked Bad Fag Damn Man. You fag bastard, you! God-damn it, kids! Mask Man, I never knew you were that way!
Mask Man: I'm not a fag, but I've heard so much about it, I've read a lot of exposes on how bad it is, and I want to try it, just once. . . . You know? I like what they do with fags in this country: the punishment is quite correct and consistent with the rest of the law: lock 'em up with a bunch of other men -- hmmm, very clever. . . . Uh, wash him up and get him ready! And, uh, I tell you what, uh -- give me that white horse, too.
City official: [Pause.] What do you want that horse for?
Mask man: For the act.
City official: You twisted fag bastard! The horse for the act!
The horse: Nay-ay-ay-ay!
City official: Get off him, Tanta, that's terrible!
Mask Man (riding off): Hi ho, Silver!
sound of horses and then a recording of "The William Tell Overture" by Rossini, to end
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